HATE is a 4-letter word
I have been in transition for several years now and it seems that hate has taken on a new level on the playing field.
I have people that I know and love reject me by either avoiding me or telling me that somehow I brought dishonor to them, in fact, I have an aunt that grew up as a preacher's/elder's kid and now is the wife of an elder of the church in McAllen, Texas. After I came out, Marlene and I were asked (forcefully) to leave our church where we fell in love and where we worshiped for over nine years. Shortly after that, my aunt told me that she would have kicked me out of the church too and furthermore, that I was not worthy to worship God anymore. Seems odd that she is neither my judge or on the jury to evict me out of heaven. I have never felt so betrayed and subsequently have lost all respect for her.
In the last few days of May 2008, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. I was told by several family members not to travel back to Vidor, Texas to visit with him before he passes away. As much harm he has caused me in my life - mental, verbal, and physical abuse, and outright rejection - he is still my parent and that I feel that I need to give him that credit of giving me life. I pray that this is what "Jesus would do!"
It truly amazes me that despite of the deep seated anger that he and others have against me, God understood this from the beginning when His own chosen people (including me) despised His Son, Jesus. I can never really begin to understand why Jesus had to face the bitter rejection while he was on this earth, mocked and spat upon, beaten, forced to wear a crown of thorns while suffering the worst kind of death known to man - nailed and hung on a cross and left to die.
I do, however, understand how it feels to be the subject of an intense hatred that runs so deep, that I have often wondered if I have the courage and strength to continue in this life. Sometimes it's just the knowledge that this hatred against me, as well as my fellow trans-brothers and trans-sisters, will never come to an end. I have been meditating on just how much it really hurts when I face individuals that profess Christ and they are openly violent against me and others of the Gay Lesbian Bisexual and Transgendered (GLBT) community. Do they not understand that Jesus calls them to a life of love where the top two commandments are to, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind" and the second greatest commandment is to "Love your neighbor as yourself?"
How do people that profess the life of Christ in them, have so much hatred in them - where does this deep seated hatred come from? Do they not understand people can see through their facade and that their actions and words speak volumes against them? I heard a minister one time say that if you were on trial for being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you? I'm afraid that for most individuals who profess Christianity, a "NOT GUILTY" verdict would be reached by a jury of their peers.
Today at church (where the leaders still have not accepted Marlene and I as a family member), a member asked me how I deal with all the discrimination, hatred, and violence that I have experienced from family members and others. I really had to keep from crying. I told her that at times I try to let God handle this for me; however, I couldn't really tell her that I keep the hurt deep within me. Sometimes the pain of abuse, discrimination, and hate makes me wonder if this will follow me all the rest of my days. I pray that death will finally stop the hatred towards me and others.
Since the beginning of time, people have carried out extreme violence towards others in the name of God. Am I to believe that the teachings of Jesus will never create a way for men to live in peace and harmony with each other despite the differences in race, religion, and location? Or is the Word of God false and baseless? In the proper hands, the love of God shows me that the beauty and graciousness of God does exist in His creation. Why have we all shown how dark and frightful it is to make others live in fear and then to destroy all that is good in our lives?
It is my observation that there in no such thing as "constructive criticism." Hate can be subtle or openly blatant at times...yet this is most often the way to have hate spread like a wildfire out of control. The flames of hate can never be quenched and it will consume everything in its destructive path. Only you can put hate back into its box. Hatred in any shape, form, or fashion will have devastating scars on an individual that will never heal.
I will forever carry the scars and wounds of deep seated hatred that I have received from people that profess Christianity. My soul longs for relief...from where will it come?
Struggling to Worship in Truth and Spirit
Within the church, as well as the larger society, transgender persons are often grouped with gay, lesbian, and bisexual people. Churches struggling with questions of inclusion surrounding sexual orientation will find many similarities in the concerns raised by those of us who are transgendered. But it's also important to be aware of the differences.
First, churches must recognize that gender identity is completely separate from sexual orientation. The fact that a person is transgendered does not imply anything about sexual orientation. Although some transgendered persons are gay, many are not.
The struggle for acceptance within church and society is common to both gay and transgendered Christians. Yet for gays and lesbians, the issue centers on the expressions of their sexuality. In the face of this, a gay Christian can choose to be open or covert about his or her sexual behavior.
Yet transgendered folks experience the entirety of who we are -- body, soul, and social role -- to be in conflict with societal and church expectations. From an early age, we are told that we are not who we perceive ourselves to be, who we know we are. In many ways, our very existence seems in conflict with "reality" itself. Since one's gender role is so relentlessly defined and reinforced by others, it may take years for us to even realize what we are experiencing.
Like many who are gay or lesbian, transgendered people often spend years in self-denial and suppression, struggling to fit in and be "normal." These efforts to fit into assigned gender roles often include marriage at an early age. Trans people tend to choose careers that enforce traditional roles: many males end up in the military or law enforcement; females often seek to be the perfect housewife. Usually, it is all a desperate attempt to fit in and find acceptance.
In my case, I sought salvation through a career in Christian ministry. As a late teen, I found that the deepest expressions of Christianity -- caring, serving, giving, and sharing -- connected with the feminine side of me that was breaking through.
I was encouraged by those close to me to spread His word, and I'm grateful now for that experience. But I found that I gradually lost my sense of self and spirituality, even as I strove to become "God's man."
Prior to entering the military, I worked for a short time teaching bible classes, preaching, and working with deaf members within the congregation. I then entered the US Air Force for sixteen years on an active-duty as an Air Traffic Controller and C-141B Flight Engineer where I prayed that the Air Force would "make a man out of me." But I longed for a place where I could be myself as an expressive, creative, spiritual human being. I began to crumble as I struggled in desperation to find the "real me" before God.
Many with gender identity issues spend their whole life in denial, living according to externally imposed definitions of self. Some choose suicide rather than a lifetime of role imprisonment. The all-too-common experience of rejection by one's closest social supports -- such as parents, friends, siblings, churches --
leads many transgendered persons to abandon their faith.
In many ways the church's struggle around the acceptance of gay, lesbian, and bisexual people has prepared it for a more liberating approach toward those in its midst who are transgendered. Yet the changes in the church that may be required to allow transgendered people to "come out" and be honest with themselves (and before God) may be different, even for congregations that have opened their doors to gay and lesbian members.
I have heard more than once of a transgendered person who decides to attend church en femme, only to have devout members of the congregation complain that this person is going to destroy all the progress they've made within the church! These folks fail to realize that their efforts to educate and gain acceptance have prepared the congregation for the greater challenge trans people can pose.
On the other hand, despite their own experience of rejection within the church, many transgendered persons are non-accepting of gays. This is usually based on a traditional understanding of Scriptures that were once understood to condemn gay sexual practices. Even transgendered people who have come to terms with God around their own identity may hold a very conservative understanding of biblical material thought to address homosexuality.
Furthermore, the common experience of not fitting in can complicate relationships between devout "hard-lined" Christians and transgendered individuals. For example, many MTF transsexuals and gay men share similarities in social presentation that cause them to be labeled as effeminate. Some transgendered males are frequently assumed to be gay because of similar self-expressions, body language, and interests. While these experiences can lead to mutual understanding, they may also contribute to a gay-shy attitude among some trans people.
The gay and lesbian Christian community has the experience and background to understand the trans community better than any other, and vice versa. Transgendered and gay Christians share much in common -- our struggles with identity, our coming out, our faith, and our fight for acceptance among families, society, and churches.
We have much to learn about each other, as well as much to contribute to each other -- and to the wider church. Understanding and tolerating our differences is important, not only because we share the same God, but because we share similar challenges as we all strive to embody who God has created each of us to be.