Transition

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It was very difficult for me to come out to everyone...especially to Marlene. As I began the process to transition, at the age of 46, it has been my heart's desire to live my life fully and wholly as a woman.  Prior to coming out of my closet, I feared the worst of everything happening to me, being divorced from Marlene, fired from my job, loss of friends and family, being assaulted, humiliated, and being rejected by the religious community. However, my need to be "real" and stop living my lie...far outweighed my own personal fears.

I have often wondered why so many people hate those of us who just simply want to be ourselves. Is it out of fear that their "ghosts in their own closets" will be exposed or is it just out of pure hatred. Who knows! Throughout my transition, it has been the most time consuming, emotional, happiest, and at times - the most difficult thing I ever tried to do. Not to say that I have really enjoyed being free and can't wait to undergo the final stage of my transition - genital reassignment surgery.

I will share with anyone...this journey has had it good moments, downright funny moments, as well as some very hurtful moments that I had to endure - not to mention the constant strain on my marriage to Marlene at times. To anyone desiring to start their process of transitioning to the opposite sex...one must realize that you just can't make everyone happy...you have to be true to you and you alone.

I am a firm believer that anyone who undergoes this process needs to seek out professional medical and mental providers who will provide you the proper medical and mental treatments for a successful transition into the new beautiful you. I have heard of others who inject industrial grade silicone into their selves to bring out the feminine shape they desire and taking hormone replacement medications from on-line sources or from unknown sources. This is very dangerous which could result in serious damage and/or death. I advise that you please seek out professional medical and mental help.

Please be patient throughout your transition...and just love yourself despite any and all obstacles/challenges that you will face... I have tried at times to commit suicide thinking that this was too difficult for me to undergo...and as I have learned, this is NEVER AN OPTION!!! 

As a dear friend of mine said to me recently, "...that's not the way you're going to prepare your body for the journey Sister. You know as well as I that if you don't love the whole you're never going to love the part."  She went on to say, "...you have shared your journey with all of us so now we are a part of your story, your journey, if you give up now you don't just give up on my beautiful friendship with you, but you gave up on all of us too." She continued to say, "...we want you here and we will all get through this together. That's what we do, we move on through the pain and we live to fight another day! Being a woman is not always easy as you know.... You must be strong and have the heart of a warrior and that is why I say that 'GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION.' You just can't hurt your temple my friend. Everything in time... patience and self love must come first."  Venus DeMila~

Remember... Just be you... you are what our world needs... YOU!

Love,
Charlene

Starting in 2006...

Marlene...

While I was supportive of Chuck being a cross-dresser/transgender, I was having problems with the reality of living with another woman in marriage. I was resistant to becoming a "lesbian" when I am not one. But after months of watching Charlene grow into a beautiful woman, I realized that she was heading toward having sexual reassignment surgery in our future. I worried and thought about how this would change everything in our lifestyle, from intimacy to everyday activities. After working this around in my head, I realized that I would not mind be perceived as a lesbian because I love Charlene very much. Just because I was not aware of Charlene when we married, she was still there and is a huge part of Chuck's personality. So I knew she was heading for a sex change and I told her I was okay with that. I still had further questions about our relationship and since we were going to a counselor I was able to lay them to rest. Watching Chuck transition to Charlene is a wonderful experience and seeing the anger drain away made for a very happy and peaceful marriage.

Going shopping with Charlene has been a real joy for both of us. Charlene has very good taste in clothing and rarely have I ever advised that the outfit she was holding up for my inspection would not work. I have made a multitude of beautiful jewelry sets for both of us and am making an excellent use of my jewelry making hobby. In fact, it is very strange when we would be out somewhere, both of us wearing jewelry I had made, and Charlene received compliments on her jewelry and mine didn't every get noticed! It was really funny when Charlene told them that I made the jewelry, they would just look at me briefly and go back to complimenting Charlene. It was then that I discovered that people really like redheads! Another funny thing was the looks on their face when Charlene called me her wife...

Charlene...

One of the neatest times of my life so far is when Marlene told me that it was okay with her for me to have my sex change. Her only comment was to take this transition slow so that she can adapt to the changes that I was going through. Often times Marlene and I would go to my doctor appointments and she would be giggling about what I have to go through to be a women. One of the funniest times was when I was at the plastic surgeon's office. While in the exam room, Dr. Yarish had asked me to disrobe and put on a special bra for breast implant sizing. I remember talking to Marlene and the assistant when all of a sudden Dr. Yarish got impatient and did the male "two finger bra removing technique" and I was totally shocked! I was red faced while Marlene and the assistant were rolling in laughter! The assistant told me that I experienced what all females have to deal with from men! After my appointment, Marlene was laughing to herself and when I asked what was so funny, she told me that she hoped that when I got my new breasts that she wouldn't get seasick from sloshing when she put her head on my chest. Laughing myself, I commented that not only was this funny, but how I would have to get a checkup and tell the doctor that my left breast was a quart low! Then I commented that if I went to Colorado in the winter I would have to get antifreeze injected into my breasts so they wouldn't freeze up!

Marlene has seen the funny side of my transition because the estrogen makes my real breasts hurt from growing. She told me the other day that I needed Miracle Grow to help them grow faster! She also found it funny when I started having "hot flashes" and told me welcome to being a female!

Moving on to 2010...

Marlene...

Life is not easy living with a transexual woman. Even though I start out with this comment, let me be clear that I would not give up my life with Charlene as she is a wonderful person and I love her dearly. Most of the time our marriage is loving and we do a lot of things together, like shopping... Charlene loves to shop and ever so often I feel the need to rein her in - that's a Texas term for "slow down!" If Charlene had her way she would fill our home up to the ceiling with lingerie and clothes! We have manicures and pedicures done together and we often eat out.  We enjoy each others company and try to have fun in life.

As for the not easy part... Charlene gets incredibly moody and bad-tempered from time to time when the reality of having to wait for her surgery hits her like a ton of bricks. Getting the money saved is not an easy task and it's taking longer than she would like, but she is going to counseling for anger control and talking about her life issues which helps a lot. If you are interested in helping Charlene, and me, in our quest to get funding for her surgery, please see her Donations page and read what is there. Thank you!

Daily life with Charlene is interesting... I give her weekly injections of her hormone because she faints at the sight of needles. Of course, when I put the bandaid on the injection site I have to slap her butt to let her know I am finished! I haven't had to "run for my life" yet... I also help her with her hormone patches - how this female can be so helpless is beyond me! Good for me that she loves me...

I'm still trying to get her to fix her own hair, helpless again... She likes it long and thick and it's a pain to dry and style. I'm always telling her that she is gonna do her own hair and that means having a length that she can handle. Know how far that is going? I'm still helping her with her hair... Good thing that I love her!

Charlene...

WOW!!!! Looking back over the four years now as a woman, I have been blessed to have the love and support of Marlene. I have really wonderful thoughts how I have changed personally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I love watching Marlene’s and my relationship grow in so many ways…she and I now do a lot of things together like, getting our hair and nails done, shopping for clothes…although she has banned me from buying lingerie – it’s like I see something pretty and it calls my name to own it…Yeah! Right!

I was grateful as Marlene went with me to undergo breast augmentation. When I woke up in recovery, Marlene was holding my hand with a smile – Priceless! She really took care of me during my recovery. I have fond memories when she and I went bra shopping for me and the girls…As we picked out bra’s, I started getting emotional as to the milestone of me actually filling the bra cup without inserts. As I put on my bra, I started crying..Marlene then held me tenderly while I cried in the dressing room…Then she “popped” my bra…and that hurt! She said that she had waited patiently for this moment…I realized that I need to find every woman I did that to and apologize….Man that hurt!!!!

I love the experiences that I had lived through. I would not trade a single moment of any part of my transition thus far…and I got to share each of them with Marlene!